


I Can't Feel (It's Not Real)

by AllMyStitchesItch



Category: Slipknot (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Crying, Drunk Sex, Fights, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Polycule, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, PLEASE HEED THE TAGS, Porn with Feelings, if grief and drug-related death triggers you, not super relevant joeys only a teensy bit hammered, this is still partially porn despite the emo tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:54:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21837064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllMyStitchesItch/pseuds/AllMyStitchesItch
Summary: im back to make you have feelings bc im in a bad mood, enjoy.if you follow me on tumblr you probably sawthis videoof joey jumping into clowns arms and hugging him? yeah that shit hurted bro. and it inspired this.title from the korn song "H@rd3r"
Relationships: Shawn Crahan/Joey Jordison
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> im back to make you have feelings bc im in a bad mood, enjoy.
> 
> if you follow me on tumblr you probably saw [this video](https://crozicr.tumblr.com/post/187489276860) of joey jumping into clowns arms and hugging him? yeah that shit hurted bro. and it inspired this.
> 
> title from the korn song "H@rd3r"

Shawn walked off stage and his heart felt empty, just like it had every time they had taken their final bows and the lights went down for the last few shows they’d played since they had lost Paul. Even thinking about it briefly made him feel sick to his stomach. He tried to shake the thoughts from his head as he wiped the paint off his face, stripped himself of his jumpsuit and put on his regular clothes. He wandered around aimlessly after he was changed, lost in his thoughts.

He was still trying to convince himself that any minute now, Paul was going to walk in the door with his bass like nothing had happened and everything would go back to the way it used to be. The way it was supposed to be. He felt like he’d been transported to some warped Twilight Zone reality and he had to try and find his way back home. His sleep-deprived brain came up with all sorts of thoughts like this lately. Anything that would make the current circumstances disappear. Maybe this was all just a dream. A very long dream that he had to wake up from eventually.

He felt dead and drained. The heart of the band felt like it had flat lined, the spark was simply not there anymore, and it wasn’t in any of them. They had all lost it and they didn’t have to say it out loud, they could read it written invisibly on empty, melancholic expressions and red eyes.

The closest thing Shawn had felt to that spark since late May was tonight, while they were playing ‘Til We Die’. Joey had been especially quiet today, silent tears slipping out of his eyes, on and off all day, that he hastily wiped away before he thought anyone had seen. He’d run straight at him and just jumped directly into his arms, wrapping his legs around him and nearly knocking him back on his ass. That force of the tiny body connecting with his almost felt like that spark again.

He wasn’t paying attention to where he was walking backstage, so caught up in his thoughts that he almost ran Joey into the ground. He grabbed Joey’s shoulders to stop him from falling backwards. 

“Jo, hey… Sorry...” Shawn shook his head a little.

Joey didn’t say anything, he had a strange expression on his face, similar to that of a child that was about to cry.

“Are you ok?” Shawn asked, squeezing his shoulder a little.

“Uh…” Joey trailed off a little and tucked his hair behind his ear, “Can I… Talk to you? Like, alone?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Shawn said, still trying to read his expression. 

Joey hadn’t talked much to anyone since… What had happened. It relieved him a little that maybe Joey finally wanted to open up and get some things off his chest, maybe it would take a little bit of the weight off of him and maybe Shawn would be able to do it in return.

Joey didn’t say another word, he just turned and Shawn followed. He led him to one of the empty dressing rooms and Shawn shut the door behind them.

Joey was facing away from him, wringing his hands together a little nervously.

Shawn walked up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“So what did you want to talk to me-” He began but stopped when Joey quickly turned to face him and threw his arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. 

Shawn reflexively brought his hands up to run them over Joey’s back. Joey clutched him closer and exhaled shakily. The feeling of the small drummer holding onto him so tightly and desperately like he’d die without him made Shawn think he almost felt that spark again. 

All of them had always had a bond that was more than just friends. More than brothers. Hell, more than wives. And there had always been that urge to get just a little bit closer than they already were. He suspected some of the others had and kept it a secret, but never himself, though the urge had been there for quite some time.

Joey pulled back a little to look at him with wet eyes. Their faces were close and one of Joey’s hands moved from behind Shawn’s neck to rest on his cheek.

He didn’t realize his heart had started pounding in his chest to the point where he felt like he was having a god damn heart attack. Joey leaned a little closer and Shawn let him, holding his breath. 

This was the most alive he’d felt in such a long time.

Joey kept moving gradually closer and closer until their lips finally touched and Shawn gave himself over completely to Joey’s gentle kiss for a few moments. He felt the spark. For a moment, it felt like everything was fine again. Like everything that had gone so wrong was right again, but he realized what he was doing and brought a hand up to Joey’s chest and gently pushed him back a little so their lips broke contact. 

“Jo…” He trailed off quietly.

Hurt flashed through Joey’s eyes at the rejection. 

“Please,” Joey whispered shakily.

“Jo we can’t… Do this,” Shawn said, clearing his throat slightly and pulling back a little further.

“Why?” Joey asked.

“You know that I’m married… And I know you have a girlfriend,” Shawn answered.

“It’s not like that,” Joey said.

“Then what is it like?” Shawn questioned.

“It’s more than that. You know what we are… What we do… This band… It’s much more than that. It’s a bond we can’t even understand,” Joey answered, trying to move close and kiss him again, but Shawn still held him back.

“I need you,” Joey said, still pressing against his hand.

“We can’t,” Shawn said quietly.

He wanted to give Joey whatever he was asking for and comfort him this way, but he couldn’t help but feel wrong about it. He couldn’t deny the bond he had with the rest of them was more than he could ever have with anyone else... Including his wife.

But no, he couldn’t. Joey looked disappointed and sad. Then his expression changed to anger as he roughly shoved Shawn away from him with his small arms that always surprised him with just how strong they really were.

He started to walk towards the door to leave in a hurry.

“Joey, come one, wait,” Shawn tried to follow him.

“Go fuck yourself,” Joey spat and Shawn was sure he saw another tear slide down his cheek as he slammed the dressing room door behind him as he left.


	2. Chapter 2

Shawn had called Joey 11 times now with no answer. There was no way he had gone to sleep yet. Shawn sighed and scrubbed at his face with his hands while he sat on his hotel bed. He knew what room number Joey was in and before he knew it he was walking down the hallway.

He could hear the stereo playing loudly inside and knew the drummer must still be awake. Shawn knocked and waited. No answer. He figured he might not have heard him so he knocked again, louder this time.

He heard the music inside the room switch off.

“Jo… Come on, open up” Shawn said firmly from the other side of the door.

He heard the door handle turn and Joey flung it open clumsily, barefoot, no shirt on and clutching a half empty bottle of Jack in one hand. His eyes were red and he’d clearly been crying not too long before Shawn had showed up.

“The fuck d’you want?” Joey asked, lazily taking another sip from the open bottle in his hand. He seemed a little drunk, anyone could see that.

Shawn was taken aback by this. He wasn’t expecting him to be so hostile.

“Can we talk?” Shawn asked quietly.

Joey snorted a humorless laugh at him and took another shot from the bottle. 

“Please?” Shawn pressed.

“Oh, well since y’asked so fuckin’ nicely,” Joey slurred a little bit. Shawn could tell he wasn’t drunk-drunk, but he was on his way to being there.

Joey stepped back from the door, starting to let it swing shut as he walked back into the room. Shawn caught the door with his hand and followed him inside.

Joey leaned against the hotel room dresser on one elbow and took another drink. He was wasting no time on getting to drunk-drunk it seemed. His long hair moved and brushed against his bare chest.

“So?” Joey interrupted Shawn’s thoughts, slightly swinging the bottle through the air as he gestured with one arm. Shawn’s eyes were drawn back up to Joey’s.

“What d’you want?” Joey questioned impatiently when Shawn didn’t answer after a few moments.

“I’m sorry about... All that…” Shawn trailed off, rubbing his hands together anxiously.

“Well that means a lot,” Joey said sarcastically, brushing some hair out of his face with one hand.

“I mean it,” Shawn said.

“Isn’t that great. Well thanks for stopping bye, you can get th’fuck out now,” Joey sneered, gesturing towards the door with the bottle in his hand and walking closer to Shawn to kick him out.

“Jo, c’mon,” Shawn said as the small drummer put a hand against his chest and pressed him back.

“No, y’know what, fuck you,” Joey shoved him back harder, voice breaking a little as tears threatened to well up in his eyes again, “You’re always the one talking all this shit ‘bout some fucking bond deeper than family that we all have, and when I need to take you up on that it doesn’t exist anymore? No, fuck you, and fuck this band, I’m done, it’s not…” Joey stops yelling and trails off as his voice cracks and the tears start to fall.

Shawn steps closer and puts a hand on Joey’s shoulder, “It’s not what?” he asks gently.

Joey sniffled a little and wiped at his eyes, “It’s not the same anymore,” He could barely get the words out without sobbing. 

Shawn lets a tear fall too and reaches out to pull Joey against his chest. Joey cries gently into his shirt for a few moments before Shawn can’t deny it anymore. He can’t deny the bond, it’s pulling and he needs Joey just as much as Joey needs him. He needs to feel the bond. Needs to feel it deeper than he has before. He needs to get closer.

He grabs the back of Joey’s thighs and hoists him up to wrap his legs around his waist without warning. Joey inhales sharply, his arms coming to wrap around Shawn’s neck and pulls him closer to his face to kiss him again. 

It’s not soft and hesitant like it was earlier, this time it’s needy and desperate and silently begging for Shawn to do more, slipping his tongue past his lips and letting Shawn suck on it gently.

He didn’t need any more instruction on what to do, he carried Joey to the bed and laid him down on it, stumbling a little as his knees hit the mattress.

Joey looked up at him as Shawn settled himself over him.

Joey’s bag was on the bed beside him and he reached into it, pulling out a bottle of lube.

Shawn raised an eyebrow at this, “You just have that lying around?” He smiled a little and Joey laughed at this. It warmed Shawn to see the mood was lightened a little.

“Shut up,” Joey smiled up at him and smacked him lightly in the chest.

Shawn dipped down to kiss him again, Joey let the bottle slip out of his hand and return it to the back of Shawn’s neck.

He raised himself up on his knees and worked Joey’s belt open and pulled his pants and boxers down his hips and off his legs.

He really noticed now just how pale Joey had gotten over the past few months now that he was completely exposed in front of him. He was perfect, looking up at Shawn through his lashes, dark hair splayed on the bed framing his face, chest heaving from the anticipation.

“Come on,” Joey said breathily, reaching for Shawn’s belt, undoing it and pushing his jeans and boxers down to his thighs, freeing his cock.

Joey’s breath caught in his throat a little when he finally got to see him like this. He’d been dreaming about this for such a long time. It was what he needed right now.

Shawn didn’t say a word, he grabbed the bottle and prepped his fingers. Joey let out a sound at the sight of this and it was sweet when it hit Shawn’s ears.

Joey spread his legs a little further apart and Shawn brought his fingers down to rub gently against Joey’s hole, eliciting a soft, needy groan from the drummer.

Shawn slipped two fingers in slowly and fairly easily, learning quickly that this was familiar to Joey. Shawn curled his fingers as he gently stroked against the inside of him and let out a soft moan when Shawn rubbed against that particular spot deep inside him.

He repeated the motion a few times, Joey making the same sweet little sounds until he confirmed that he was ready for more.

Shawn smeared the rest of the lube over himself and exhaled deeply at the feeling of himself, Joey watching closely as he stroked himself a few times and then settled himself over Joey.

“You’re a little overdressed, don’t ya think?” Joey asked breathily.

“You know how I am…” Shawn trailed off and shrugged a little, looking away as a slight blush crept up his neck.

Joey grabbed his face and turned him back to look at him, “Yeah, I know,” Joey said softly, thumb stroking a little over the other man’s face.

Shawn dipped down and kissed Joey again, trying to move on and away from that topic. He hoped Joey wouldn’t press him anymore and he didn’t. He understood. He understood everything about him. More than anyone else could.

He rubbed the head of his cock against Joey’s hole as a warning and Joey’s breath hitched.

“Please… Do it…” He said so needily it was almost a sob.

Shawn didn’t need to be asked twice. He slid into Joey’s slick heat, taking his time as he felt Joey clutch at him harder, like he was trying to crush himself against the larger man or make them morph into one. 

Shawn paused as he bottomed out inside of Joey, then slowly started to move . Joey was very vocal about how good this was making him feel, letting out louder and louder gasps and soft moans as Shawn picked up the pace, letting a few deep sighs and whispered ‘fuck’s slip past his lips into Joey’s ear.

Joey was growing louder and louder. It didn’t surprise him that that was one of his tendencies and he wasn’t complaining about it. It was the best sound in the entire world to him right now.

Shawn was the opposite. Always quiet and focussed in situations like these.

Without warning, Joey was suddenly clenching around him and he felt something wet hit his t-shirt and he realized Joey was coming hard, holding him impossibly tighter.

The tightening sensation around his cock was enough to finish him off too. With one last smooth roll into the small body, he buried himself deep and released inside him with a satisfied grunt.

Joey’s nails were still digging into Shawn’s shoulders as he pulled out.

He kissed Joey again, and it made his grip loosen a little.


End file.
